New Pain ……Has the Cancer Spread?

One of the biggest fears that all cancer patients encounter is the fear that the cancer has come back or spread. Every new bump, change, or irregularity is automatically questioned and suspected. You know that feeling everyone gets when they touch or see something out of the ordinary? Well, for cancer patients, it’s that feeling, times a million. I feel like the cancer monster is always out to get me. fear I wish I didn’t question every oddity or change in my body ALL THE TIME, but I do (and will continue to do so as long as I live). For cancer survivors, sometimes this feeling lessens over time. I am not sure it ever goes away, but it can ameliorate. However, for those with “chronic” or incurable cancer, this feeling is always there. Sometimes it makes me so neurotic that I have even suspected that a pimple could be something far worse. Turns out it was just a pimple. It was a blackhead, people! Ever since I have been juicing and overdosing on vegetables, my skin has been AMAZING. So naturally, being the freak that I am, when I saw this foreign little reddened bump invade my clear skin, I was like “oh my goodness, what is this, is this a mini tumor?” A mini tumor, seriously? What was I thinking? I was thinking that I have metastatic cancer and now everything is fair game. Even a pimple. Most recently, I have been experiencing back pain. The pain is on-and-off, but it is there pretty much every day now. I have mentioned it to my oncologist so she has scheduled me for an MRI of my spine to ensure that the cancer has not spread to my spine. Although I am trying to keep positive about the situation, I really am, I also can’t help but fear the worse. Has the cancer metastasized to my spine? Or perhaps it is bone metastasis. If this is true, how long do I have? Will I be terminal? All of these worst-case scenarios flood my thoughts. I swear that these horrible thoughts are a cancer of their own. Once these thoughts begin, it’s hard to control how far they will go. Is this going to be the end? I’m not ready to die. I haven’t even seen the new season of Game of Thrones. I can’t die now, the new Beauty and the Beast movie hasn’t come out yet – I need to see that! These are the types of things that overwhelm my mind. Yesterday the pain was pretty bad, but I dealt with it the best I could. Except for my sudden outburst. While we were all watching a movie from Rogers on Demand, ” A Most Violent Year,” (sounds like the title of the movie about when I was told my cancer spread) I burst out into tears. The movie wasn’t that bad nor was it a tearjerker, it was just my emotions catching up with me. I guess I had withheld my feelings, trying to be strong for those around me, and then nature took its course. As I choked back my tears, Garrett asked if I was okay and whether we should continue with the movie. “Yes, I said, it’s a good distraction.” Although I am sure from Garrett and my parents’ point of view, the movie didn’t seem to distract me at all from what I was really thinking. It wasn’t the movie, it was me. And this would have happened no matter what I was doing or watching. It was just a matter of time. I can’t tell you how many times Garrett has had to endure me wiping my tears on his sweaters. His poor clean sweaters all mucked up with my salty tears. Or all of the times that he has had to hold me or hug me while talking me through my insanity. He finds talking about these things very difficult and would prefer not to engage these thoughts of mine, but I always seem to make him go there. And for me, he does. I am so thankful for having him in my life and I don’t know what I would do without him. IMG_3937 I am trying to be brave for him as well as for my family. I am trying not to complain or constantly talk about my illness. But sometimes it’s really difficult. I’ve learned that it’s okay to have these feelings, these outbursts, or these neurotic and negative thoughts. The trick is to have them, accept that they are there, and then to let them go. The ‘letting go’ part is hard to master. Like with anything, practice helps. Whether I worry about what the cause of this back pain is or not, it will not change the results. Unfortunately, as with all things cancer-related, I have no control over my DNA, my cells, or my body, but I can try to control my thoughts. So, I will continue to work my way towards this goal of letting negative emotions go. In the meantime though, I am going to go for a walk and stretch out my back. Love, health, and being pain-free! xo


8 thoughts on “New Pain ……Has the Cancer Spread?

  1. Hey
    lucky to have Garrett by your side and your family.
    Keep your head up high
    Keep positive
    Cry if you feel the need
    One step at a time
    These are just hurdles that you must overcome
    Un abbraccio forte forte


  2. Sabrina you are truly an inspiration and hero!
    I am so very happy you have Garrett
    as support.He is one of the loves of my life:)
    Remember Living In The Now!! It helps me:)
    Sometimes my fears take over everything
    and If I focus that I’m ok now it’s easier!
    God speed and love sent:)xxoo


    • Hi there!
      Thanks for the kind words and for offering advice. That is very thoughtful and much appreciated. I have indeed heard of Dr. Gonzalez, but will definitely check out these links. Thanks so much! xoxo


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