When it rains, it pours.

Nope, I am not referring to the lousy, dreary weather we have had recently. As I type this, the sun is sort of out, so clearly the weather is not the issue.

I am talking about those times when you feel like bad things keep happening, you just can’t seem to catch a break no matter what.

Well this is how cancer patients or those with ailing health tend to feel every time they visit with their oncologist or medical team. The kind of phrases that circulate in the patient’s mind after receiving repeated dismal news usually begin and end with that special four letter word. No, not crap or shit. You get the point.

This is how I feel today. This day deserves a giant WTF?!

Apparently Mildred has taken her cancer party to a whole other level. She’s decided to make life increasingly difficult for me and kicked things up a notch.  It appears as though the cancer has metastasized to my brain, at least that is what the most recent imaging suggests.

Next to being told that they will stop making size five shoes, having cancer go to my brain was the worst thing I could be told.

There are still many questions that remain unanswered and steps to be taken going forward. I am currently in the initial stage of processing the information. I can tell you that things do not look good when you have cancer in the brain, that’s pretty much a no brainer, so lame I know.  However being me and representing a  complete challenge to the entire medical community, I refuse to let numbers and statistics stand in my way. I was never a numbers girl to begin with. Come on, everyone knows that people who don’t like math end up in law school, duh! And plus how much cooler would I be if I could defy the odds and live with cancer in my brain for a long time, or have it go away completely which is statistically impossible. So cool, right?

Now do not think for a second that I am not scared like hell because I absolutely am. I had my meltdown earlier and I am sure there will be plenty more where those came from. But I plan to fight like hell too. That’s what we cancer people do.

It’s not like I am Albert Einstein or Stephen Hawking, but the one thing I feared was to have cancer invade my brain or central nervous system. My cognitive thinking, thought processes, speech, motor skills, and especially my writing. Those are all off limits. There will be a lot of angry people out there if I can no longer write this blog. So despite being upset, scared, sad, confused and totally pissed off, I am also going to fight back. Oh it’s go time!

I have defied odds already, so what’s stopping me now, a little brain cancer, screw you I say!

Well at least they still make size five shoes, right? Perhaps a little leather pick me up is in order. Nothing says “things will be fine” like some new fabulous footwear. Shoe goals people.

Another perfect time to reach into my purse and pull out the good old cancer card. It was getting a little dusty.

In the meantime, now that the rain has stopped, I will wait for my rainbow.

Health, love and rainy days.

xo

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9 thoughts on “When it rains, it pours.

  1. I am reading this and I am stunned, I don’t know what to say but felt like I wanted to respond immediately. Myself (like everyone else on the planet) just wish I could help. You are right, we all have our WTF days with cancer as well as our meltdowns. I am not going to give you the stay strong and positive thoughts speech everyone gives but I do want to say this, keep fighting like you have been to advocate for yourself. You seem to be on top of your own healthcare which is so important and you appear to be doing absolutely everything you can to squash Mildred in her tracks with your knowledge and your size five shoes. I will keep reading and praying that these rain clouds contain a silver lining for you.

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  2. Sabrina, I know what the experts have said to you, but when I was going through our cancer journey with my husband (who also was diagnosed with a brain tumour which had metastasized from the lungs) I worked with a teacher whose husband also had a brain tumour. He has been through surgery, radiation, chemo, the whole gamut, several times, and six years later he is still alive, traveling and working. All I know for sure about cancer is that it is a unique journey for each and every person. Hang in there!

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  3. Hi Sabrina,
    Man that SUCKS!! I am so sorry to hear the news. No platitudes, no rah-rah, just an unwavering belief in you. You are truly (and you know I’ve been there with my son, so this isn’t a platitude!!) one of the strongest survivors I have met, and if anyone can take a crack at this, it’s you. I know that you will persevere and I look forward to reading many many more blogs on this long journey of yours. In Yiddish, we say “Biz Hundret un Tsvantsig” — may you live to be 120. I have NO idea why it;s 120 and not 121 or 173 or 582 (I’m sure there’s a story in there somewhere), but it’s not important 🙂

    You are, as always, in my thoughts…
    -Allan

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  4. Dear Sabrina!
    You are the most courageous woman I
    have ever known! Yes Mildred is
    becoming very annoying! Fuck this
    secondary cancer!! You can do this!!
    Never give up!! I will help you any
    way I can!! There are ways!!
    Love and prayers sent!!
    HAPPY ST PATRICKS DAY🍀🍀🍀🍀

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  5. Just read this Sabrina, and I wish I could do something more than just commenting on your blog. Thinking of you and sending tons of good energy your way! xx

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