Cancer pain manifests itself in various ways. Today I will deal with the physical pain.
The Big C is sometimes referred to as painless, in that you may have some nasty tumor growing inside of you and you don’t even know as there is no pain and there are no symptoms. Now while this holds true in many cases, which can be why cancer is so difficult to detect until it is very late in the game, it is not always the case.
Sometimes cancer can be very painful. Typically when cancer metastasizes to the bones it can be excruciatingly painful. Additionally some cancers themselves are so large or they may impact tissues and organs in the body, therefore rendering them extremely painful.
I am lucky (which seems to be an interesting choice of words given the multiple cancers) that most of my cancers were not painful nor were they caught too late. I usually found some sort of bump in the early stages. This was both due to my mom and I’s surveillance (literally my mom would periodcally come up to me and molest me just to make sure there were no new bumps) as well as thanks to the screening as a result of the Li Fraumeni.
However there have been times when cancer was painful for me. When I first found Oscar the Osteosarcoma on my neck I had a small bump as well as the pain of a stiff or pulled muscle. Now I have previously written a post on the negligence of the doctor that visited me, who basically would not order an MRI as it was probably ‘just a stiff neck.’ Yeah whatever lady. Thanks for nothing. Then the bump grew to the point where I almost looked like a two-headed monster and the pain was terrible. I was articling at the time and I couldn’t even hold up my neck by the end of the day.
Aside from being poked and prodded, and of course the countless cancer surgeries which were no walk in the park, the only other cancer pain I have experienced is with respect to my lungs and the insane lung episodes I have every so often. Just the other night I experienced another one of these episodes.
I have no idea what sparks these or causes them which is frustrating because I have no way to predict when they will occur or more importantly, how to control them. They just show up without warning. When they occur I am pretty much immobilized, I cannot move or breathe. I just take very shallow, short breaths. It literally feels like a truck ran over my chest and crushed every bone on the left side of my chest as well as collapsed my left lung. It’s excruciating pain on the left side while the right side remains unaffected. They usually last a couple of hours before the pain begins to subside. And lately they are lasting longer and longer. No one seems to know what exactly causes them. The only theory suggested is perhaps the tumor on the lining of the lung is growing.
During these episodes, given that I cannot move or breathe, I think to myself that I will try meditatating the pain away. Not so easy to meditate when you cannot really breathe. Our breath is kinda crucial to meditative states. I also think of the philosophy where you imagine yourself well and send healing energy to the affected area. Yeah, also not genius in the midst of one of these spasms. So then my mind naturally wonders to that dark place. Where all I can think of is “holy shit this hurts.” “Please show me the jackass who thinks pain is an illusion controlled by our mind because I need to beat this person senselessly, till he feels the pain of course.”
When I slowly begin to regain a touch of movement so that it doesn’t feel like all of my bones are shattered and I can take more shallow breaths than I could an hour ago, I leave my dark place and try to rest or hopefully fall asleep. Unfortunately these episodes last a very long time and take days before you feel real improvement. And the last two episodes seem to have left a lasting impact as they never really disappeared altogether. When I take deep breaths in I can still feel a soreness or pain in my left lung. But I will take this over having more frequent episodes, that’s for sure.
So there you have it, cancer can and does hurt. And it can be much worse than what I have experienced. And sometimes it doesn’t hurt. So ladies get your boobies checked, men get your junk checked too! And seriously whoever tells you that the pain isn’t really there needs a good ass-kicking to set things straight.
Till next time guys.
Health, love and getting through the night pain free.