So I figure I owe you all an apology as I haven’t been on my blog like I would have liked. I have been having a rough time the last couple of weeks. It’s been rather difficult as I am beginning to feel more and more like a cancer patient. Literally I have no energy whatsoever and I am not really eating all that much – my appetite is really off. And my stomach is terribly unsettled.
When I feel like this, I begin to think that this may be my last Christmas and it terrifies me. I feel as if the cancer is winning. And I can’t have that happen. I have been feeling much more emotional lately. I can’t even make it through that damn “Christmas Shoes” song without balling. And I have been dropping the f-bomb more frequently for some reason too. I guess cancer is making me a bit of a hick. Need to figure out a wiser way to channel all of my rage.
Christmas time is my favourite time of year. I love everything about this season (okay maybe not so much the frigid weather). So it saddens me when I can’t participate in Christmas activities. No energy for baking or shopping which are two of my favourite past times. My oncologist said I should take a wheelchair with me to the mall but I choose to walk for a bit, then I sit on a bench for a bit, and so on. I tend to get winded very easily now. How sad is it when here I am sitting on a bench resting while some grandma zooms by me with 50 gifts in hand. Oh well.
Not sure if I updated you all on my current state. So essentially that “polyp” that was removed from my stomach was indeed cancer. Some sort of sarcoma. Go figure. Everyone seemed shocked as this particular cancer is so rare and it’s even unheard of in the Li Fraumeni world so I must truly be some sort of mutant. I lost count……cancer #7?
Anyhow I was booked for a CT scan of the abdomen to see if there is anymore nasty cancer in the stomach to deal with. I had to drink some foul liquid plus I was given some sort of injection on top of contrast dye. Awful. Since that test, I haven’t been the same. Luckily the test didn’t seem to detect more cancer though I will require another endoscopy a couple days before Christmas where the doctor will attempt to see if he can remove or burn the base of the tumor, which is still inside me. Fun stuff.
It’s been quite the bumpy ride but being slightly stubborn I refuse to believe that my expiry date is up soon so I am continuing to be hopeful despite the statistics. But I am not going to lie, it’s been challenging. My oncologist doesn’t think people come out of this when they get to this stage of the disease. But she also doesn’t think I am the typical patient, so who knows what’s in store.
I definitely don’t feel like myself. I have lost weight as well as muscle and can even feel my bones in certain places. And my poor boobies are suffering too. There are even days where I am so frail and weak that I can actually feel my body breaking down on me. I am desperately trying to reverse this so I can start getting back to feeling healthy again. Hopefully I can still turn it around.
It also makes me feel sad that I can’t really enjoy the season the way I would have liked. I love eating and sharing dinners with friends and family but now eating feels like a chore due to my lack of appetite. And I don’t feel fun. I feel as though I am the sad cancer girl who is depressing to be around. And no one wants to feel like the person that people just pity.
But then the other day it hit me. When you feel lousy and sick you tend to feel angry, depressed, isolated and easily irritated. However thinking back on all those who lost their lives to this treacherous disease as well as all of the adults and children that are currently in hospital or very sick I become much more thankful. I have lost people to this disease and I am sure they would be thrilled to be alive. So as frustrated as I may become, I will always be thankful for my life and for everything I do have.
As a society we are so consumed with ourselves and we have such a sense of entitlement as to what we think we deserve. No one takes the time to slow down and appreciate what they have already been given. It i quite easy to take everything for granted and always look to those that have more. But it takes strength of character to look at those that are less fortunate and be thankful for what we have. We need to look around us and be grateful especially during this season.
Despite the aches and pains, the upset stomach, the lack of energy, the diarrhea, the lack of appetite, the fluid around my lungs, the shortness of breath, and the coughing, I still have so much to be happy about and live for.
So regardless if I am being naive or not, I cannot give up. I have too much to live for. I can still get out of bed and I can still sit and enjoy Christmas carols while I slowly work on some Christmas stuff. I can also still enjoy snuggling up on the sofa and watching Christmas movies or stare at the laser lights that my amazing husband put up to make me feel a bit more festive. I love that man.
I think the main point I want to make from this post is that for all those brave children and adults battling cancer, especially an advanced or late stage cancer, they cannot give up. It’s rather easy to become obsessed with death when you see yourself slowly deteriorating right before your eyes. You begin to panic that this is it. You begin to recall all those around you that passed away from this disease and how you are starting to look like what they looked like. And it’s really scary sh@t.
I just want all of you to know that no matter what people say, it is really difficult to focus on the good when you feel so bad and so scared. But cancer is no dummy, unfortunately cancer cells are quite intelligent and they will take over, especially if we make it easy for them. As difficult as it is we have to focus on the positive and this will allow us the opportunity to try to get better. In the end life will play out as it is supposed to. All we can do is try our best. And that is exactly what I am doing.
Health, love and tis the season 🙂