Time to be Merry

Hiya Everyone!

So I figure I owe you all an apology as I haven’t been on my blog like I would have liked. I have been having a rough time the last couple of weeks. It’s been rather difficult as I am beginning to feel more and more like a cancer patient. Literally I have no energy whatsoever and I am not really eating all that much – my appetite is really off. And my stomach is terribly unsettled.

When I feel like this, I begin to think that this may be my last Christmas and it terrifies me. I feel as if the cancer is winning. And I can’t have that happen.  I have been feeling much more emotional lately. I can’t even make it through that damn “Christmas Shoes” song without balling. And I have been dropping the f-bomb more frequently for some reason too. I guess cancer is making me a bit of a hick. Need to figure out a wiser way to channel all of my rage.

Christmas time is my favourite time of year. I love everything about this season (okay maybe not so much the frigid weather). So it saddens me when I can’t participate in Christmas activities.  No energy for baking or shopping which are two of my favourite past times. My oncologist said I should take a wheelchair with me to the mall but I choose to walk for a bit, then I sit on a bench for a bit, and so on.  I tend to get winded very easily now. How sad is it when here I am sitting on a bench resting while some grandma zooms by me with 50 gifts in hand. Oh well.

Not sure if I updated you all on my current state. So essentially that “polyp” that was removed from my stomach was indeed cancer. Some sort of sarcoma. Go figure. Everyone seemed shocked as this particular cancer is so rare and it’s even unheard of in the Li Fraumeni world so I must truly be some sort of mutant. I lost count……cancer #7?

Anyhow I was booked for a CT scan of the abdomen to see if there is anymore nasty cancer in the stomach to deal with. I had to drink some foul liquid plus I was given some sort of injection on top of contrast dye. Awful. Since that test, I haven’t been the same. Luckily the test didn’t seem to detect more cancer though I will require another endoscopy a couple days before Christmas where the doctor will attempt to see if he can remove or burn the base of the tumor, which is still inside me. Fun stuff.

It’s been quite the bumpy ride but being slightly stubborn I refuse to believe that my expiry date is up soon so I am continuing to be hopeful despite the statistics. But I am not going to lie, it’s been challenging. My oncologist doesn’t think people come out of this when they get to this stage of the disease. But she also doesn’t think I am the typical patient, so who knows what’s in store.

I definitely don’t feel like myself.  I have lost weight as well as muscle and can even feel my bones in certain places. And my poor boobies are suffering too. There are even days where I am so frail and weak that I can actually feel my body breaking down on me. I am desperately trying to reverse this so I can start getting back to feeling healthy again. Hopefully I can still turn it around.

It also makes me feel sad that I can’t really enjoy the season the way I would have liked. I love eating and sharing dinners with friends and family but now eating feels like a chore due to my lack of appetite. And I don’t feel fun. I feel as though I am the sad cancer girl who is depressing to be around. And no one wants to feel like the person that people just pity.

But then the other day it hit me. When you feel lousy and sick you tend to feel angry, depressed, isolated and easily  irritated. However thinking back on all those who lost their lives to this treacherous disease as well as all of the adults and children that are currently in hospital or very sick I become much more thankful.  I have lost people to this disease and I am sure they would be thrilled to be alive. So as frustrated as I may become, I will always be thankful for my life and for everything I do have.

As a society we are so consumed with ourselves and we have such a sense of entitlement as to what we think we deserve. No one takes the time to slow down and appreciate what they have already been given. It i quite easy to take everything for granted and always look to those that have more. But it takes  strength of character to look at those that are less fortunate and be thankful for what we have. We need to look around us and be grateful especially during this season.

Despite the aches and pains, the upset stomach, the lack of energy, the diarrhea, the lack of appetite, the fluid around my lungs, the shortness of breath, and the coughing, I still have so much to be happy about and live for.

So regardless if I am being naive or not, I cannot give up. I have too much to live for. I can still get out of bed and I can still sit and enjoy Christmas carols while I slowly work on some Christmas stuff. I can also still enjoy snuggling up on the sofa and watching Christmas movies or stare at the laser lights that my amazing husband put up to make me feel a bit more festive. I love that man.

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I think the main point I want to make from this post is that for all those brave children and adults battling cancer, especially an advanced or late stage cancer, they cannot give up. It’s rather easy to become obsessed with death when you see yourself slowly deteriorating right before your eyes. You begin to panic that this is it. You begin to recall all those around you that passed away from this disease and  how you are starting to look like what they looked like. And it’s really scary sh@t.

I just want all of you to know that no matter what people say, it is really difficult to focus on the good when you feel so bad and so scared. But cancer is no dummy, unfortunately cancer cells are quite intelligent and they will take over, especially if we make it easy for them.  As difficult as it is we have to focus on the positive and this will allow us the opportunity to try to get better. In the end life will play out as it is supposed to. All we can do is try our best. And that is exactly what I am doing.

Health, love and tis the season 🙂
Xo

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14 thoughts on “Time to be Merry

  1. You are never depressing to be around. You are a strong courageous woman and a wonderful role model for others. We all learn from you how to face adversity and challenge with grace and determination.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. To our beautiful Sabrina!! You are the bravest woman I have ever known. If I ever had a daughter I would want her to be you!! Your spirit is uplifting . I always want to be around you! Bill and I enjoy your company and love you. Always know that!! It’s a very hard fight this damn illness!! God bless you!! We are always there for you and my son Garrett!!?
    Fuck Cancer!! And all readers can be shocked at what I said!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sending you much love and God’s Blessings for a Christmas miracle to bring you a cancer free body and excellent health so you may continue to share your optimism and love! xoxo you are an amazing woman and a true inspiration. Much love. Noel.

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  4. Dear Sabrina….what a coincidence that I was thinking of you and your blog popped up on my email.
    I was thinking I hadn’t seen any updates for a while and hoping there would be good news.
    You’re a fighter and I could see that from the day I met you when we were in the fashion show in Toronto together. You were a ray of light that day/night.
    I fully believe you have fight left in you yet as hard as it is.
    You’re in my thoughts and prayers and I’m sending you positive love and light in this beautiful season 💕🎄

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Sabrina. You are strong you will beat this terrible disease. All the best wishes to you and your wonderful family for this holiday season. Merry Christmas and happy new year. Hopefully next year will bring you strength and good health.
    You are amazing.

    Love,

    Lana

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  6. Sabrina,
    You definitely are not a typical patient or human being. You are so special, so inspirational, wise, a leader, A FIGHTER! I know it’s hard when you are feeling so terrible and experiencing all that you are but never stop fighting and never give up hope. Enjoy your favorite time of year, enjoy the music, the warmth and love the season brings, let it and your family give you strength. We think of you often, Love You! Love Tony and Linda Passarelli

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  7. As cliche as this sounds, you really are an inspiration. Not many people, myself included, would have the poise, strength, and eloquence that you have shown during this journey. Depression and despair can take over quickly, and although you may be feeling these things (totally understandable!!!), you find a way to see silver linings and joy in the small things. I wish I could take away your mental and physical pain…I hope you can continue to enjoy the Christmas season xoxo

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    • You are the strongest most positive person I have ever met !
      Hopefully knowing what an inspiration you are to me and so many other people brightens your day somewhat. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers on a daily basis. Hoping you have a Merry Christmas with your family.
      Love Debbie ❤️🌲❤️

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  8. Sabrina, you are truly an amazing woman and inspiration for us all. None of us know what will happen tomorrow. I could be hit by a truck! ( hope not though)…point is you constantly remind us to live for today. Be grateful for waking up and taking another breath! Face each day with a renewed sense of fight. And if you need a time out..you take it! Know that we are all fighting right beside you. In our thoughts and prayers. Wishing both you and Garrett a Merry Christmas..

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  9. Sabrina,
    I met you last year when we co-presented at a talk for pharmacy students. You were incredibly inspiring then and gave such a warm, funny talk that touched all who were fortunate to hear you. I’ve been amazed by your posts over the past year and so impressed with your passion for life. You have touched so many people. I hope that some of the inspiration that you have spread can be felt in return and hope that you have some (many) moments of energy over the holiday season to feel like “you.”
    Wishing you happiness for the holidays.

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  10. Hi Sabrina,

    I met you a few years back at the Marsen clinic. You shared your story with me that day as we sat with our IV’s in our arms and I was so truly inspired by your courage and determination. Then a few months ago I came across an article written about you and your cancer journey and I began following your blog. You continue to inspire and amaze me with your passion and zest for life. I want to wish you and your family a happy holiday season. May it be filled with love and laughter.

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  11. Happy new years Sabrina and to your gorgeous Garrett
    You can’t always be happy and upbeat but you sure can scream and curse etc etc… But always wear that infectious smile that you have been blessed with
    Gives everyone strength
    Xxxxxxx. God strength

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