When it rains, it pours.

Nope, I am not referring to the lousy, dreary weather we have had recently. As I type this, the sun is sort of out, so clearly the weather is not the issue.

I am talking about those times when you feel like bad things keep happening, you just can’t seem to catch a break no matter what.

Well this is how cancer patients or those with ailing health tend to feel every time they visit with their oncologist or medical team. The kind of phrases that circulate in the patient’s mind after receiving repeated dismal news usually begin and end with that special four letter word. No, not crap or shit. You get the point.

This is how I feel today. This day deserves a giant WTF?!

Apparently Mildred has taken her cancer party to a whole other level. She’s decided to make life increasingly difficult for me and kicked things up a notch.  It appears as though the cancer has metastasized to my brain, at least that is what the most recent imaging suggests.

Next to being told that they will stop making size five shoes, having cancer go to my brain was the worst thing I could be told.

There are still many questions that remain unanswered and steps to be taken going forward. I am currently in the initial stage of processing the information. I can tell you that things do not look good when you have cancer in the brain, that’s pretty much a no brainer, so lame I know.  However being me and representing a  complete challenge to the entire medical community, I refuse to let numbers and statistics stand in my way. I was never a numbers girl to begin with. Come on, everyone knows that people who don’t like math end up in law school, duh! And plus how much cooler would I be if I could defy the odds and live with cancer in my brain for a long time, or have it go away completely which is statistically impossible. So cool, right?

Now do not think for a second that I am not scared like hell because I absolutely am. I had my meltdown earlier and I am sure there will be plenty more where those came from. But I plan to fight like hell too. That’s what we cancer people do.

It’s not like I am Albert Einstein or Stephen Hawking, but the one thing I feared was to have cancer invade my brain or central nervous system. My cognitive thinking, thought processes, speech, motor skills, and especially my writing. Those are all off limits. There will be a lot of angry people out there if I can no longer write this blog. So despite being upset, scared, sad, confused and totally pissed off, I am also going to fight back. Oh it’s go time!

I have defied odds already, so what’s stopping me now, a little brain cancer, screw you I say!

Well at least they still make size five shoes, right? Perhaps a little leather pick me up is in order. Nothing says “things will be fine” like some new fabulous footwear. Shoe goals people.

Another perfect time to reach into my purse and pull out the good old cancer card. It was getting a little dusty.

In the meantime, now that the rain has stopped, I will wait for my rainbow.

Health, love and rainy days.

xo

Hoping to be Chronic, not Terminal

Naturally I would love to consider myself cured. I would love to be given an N.E.D. (no evidence of disease) determination on my next CT scan. I would love the cancer to just disappear and never return. I also wish for a cure for each and every individual that suffers through this torturous disease.

Although I hope and pray for such “miracles” each day, the harsh reality of the matter is that this is not the case. At least not at the moment.

So the next best thing for me to hold onto right now is that my cancer will become chronic as opposed to terminal.

Essentially, there is a distinction between cancer survivors, terminal cancer patients, and those with chronic cancer. The definition of a cancer survivor seems pretty self-explanatory. You have cancer and you survive it. Plain and simple. I myself was a previous five-time cancer survivor. The more difficult concepts are the latter two: the terminal cancer patient and the chronic cancer patient.

There are different factors involved when labeling someone as having “terminal cancer.” Some of which are that the person is given only weeks or months to live, that the cancer is progressing and cannot be arrested, that the cancer does not respond to any given treatment, that there has been secondary metastases (for example, the cancer metastasizes to the lungs and then to the bones), or the cancer causes the compression of vital structures or organs, etc.

The more elusive concept is that of the chronic cancer patient. For these individuals the disease will never go away completely but it can be controlled. In effect, the cancer can be arrested, not eradicated. This is what is generally known as stable disease, whereby the cancer can be kept in abeyance. These are the stories we hear of patients who live many years with certain types of cancers. In most cases the cancer will eventually kill these patients, but this may take longer than statistically predicted. Chronic cancer patients typically engage in countless therapies. One combination of drugs may fail while another may work. Sometimes this lifestyle can take a toll on chronic cancer patients and wear them down. Imagine an arduous schedule of clinical trials, targeted drug therapies, follow-up appointments while all the while trying to maintain a positive attitude with the hope that the cancer will not begin to spread again. This can gnaw away at someone’s spirit, destroying the indivdiual little by little.

However, as difficult as it may be to live with chronic cancer it still remains superior to the alternative, which is terminal cancer.

It is extremely difficult to stop my mind from wandering into dangerous territory. I have to consciously distract my brain from the negative thoughts.

I begin to think that perhaps I will have to endure treatments as I did as a child that will cause hair loss, weight loss, loss of appetite, nausea, fatigue, etc.

Perhaps the cancer will continue to further spread to places that will cause debilitating pain, seizures, blackouts, or organ failure.

Perhaps I will become terminally ill and will wither away in a hospital bed like so many brave individuals before me.

Perhaps my lungs will collapse.

Perhaps I will be faced with pulmonary effusion (fluid in the lungs), which can cause a number of complications.

Perhaps these are all likely realities in the near or distant future.

Perhaps this dreadful day will come, hopefully it won’t.

So today I find solace in hoping that my cancer will stabilize and that I too can consider myself chronic, not terminal.

Sadly metastatic cancer patients must content themselves with little milestones, knowing that their cancer cannot be cured but can be controlled. Seems pretty boring, I know. But nowadays I’m loving the idea of being boring.

As these demoralizing thoughts take over, I begin to visualize my meditation instructor’s voice telling us to retrain our brains into thinking that we are healthy and healed.

At this very moment I say to myself that I am fortunate that my cancer has not spread to other organs other than my lungs. I am extremely thankful for not being deemed terminal right now. I am very lucky that all of my organs are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing, and my body is functioning as good as it can with these nasty little tumors trying tirelessly to slow it down. So ha cancer, take that! And yes, it’s very mature of me to taunt my cancer.

I pray that all those facing metastatic cancer will never have to face a terminal diagnosis, and for those facing one, I pray for a cure.

Today I find myself as healthy and healed as I can be at this very moment in time.

Love, health, and the hope of tomorrow.
xo

New Pain ……Has the Cancer Spread?

One of the biggest fears that all cancer patients encounter is the fear that the cancer has come back or spread. Every new bump, change, or irregularity is automatically questioned and suspected. You know that feeling everyone gets when they touch or see something out of the ordinary? Well, for cancer patients, it’s that feeling, times a million. I feel like the cancer monster is always out to get me. I wish I didn’t question every oddity or change in my body ALL THE TIME, but I do (and will continue to do so as long as I live). For cancer survivors, sometimes this feeling lessens over time. I am not sure it ever goes away, but it can ameliorate. However, for those with “chronic” or incurable cancer, this feeling is always there. Sometimes it makes me so neurotic that I have even suspected that a pimple could be something far worse. Turns out it was just a pimple. It was a blackhead, people! Ever since I have been juicing and overdosing on vegetables, my skin has been AMAZING. So naturally, being the freak that I am, when I saw this foreign little reddened bump invade my clear skin, I was like “oh my goodness, what is this, is this a mini tumor?” A mini tumor, seriously? What was I thinking? I was thinking that I have metastatic cancer and now everything is fair game. Even a pimple. Most recently, I have been experiencing back pain. The pain is on-and-off, but it is there pretty much every day now. I have mentioned it to my oncologist so she has scheduled me for an MRI of my spine to ensure that the cancer has not spread to my spine. Although I am trying to keep positive about the situation, I really am, I also can’t help but fear the worse. Has the cancer metastasized to my spine? Or perhaps it is bone metastasis. If this is true, how long do I have? Will I be terminal? All of these worst-case scenarios flood my thoughts. I swear that these horrible thoughts are a cancer of their own. Once these thoughts begin, it’s hard to control how far they will go. Is this going to be the end? I’m not ready to die. I haven’t even seen the new season of Game of Thrones. I can’t die now, the new Beauty and the Beast movie hasn’t come out yet – I need to see that! These are the types of things that overwhelm my mind. Yesterday the pain was pretty bad, but I dealt with it the best I could. Except for my sudden outburst. While we were all watching a movie from Rogers on Demand, ” A Most Violent Year,” (sounds like the title of the movie about when I was told my cancer spread) I burst out into tears. The movie wasn’t that bad nor was it a tearjerker, it was just my emotions catching up with me. I guess I had withheld my feelings, trying to be strong for those around me, and then nature took its course. As I choked back my tears, Garrett asked if I was okay and whether we should continue with the movie. “Yes, I said, it’s a good distraction.” Although I am sure from Garrett and my parents’ point of view, the movie didn’t seem to distract me at all from what I was really thinking. It wasn’t the movie, it was me. And this would have happened no matter what I was doing or watching. It was just a matter of time. I can’t tell you how many times Garrett has had to endure me wiping my tears on his sweaters. His poor clean sweaters all mucked up with my salty tears. Or all of the times that he has had to hold me or hug me while talking me through my insanity. He finds talking about these things very difficult and would prefer not to engage these thoughts of mine, but I always seem to make him go there. And for me, he does. I am so thankful for having him in my life and I don’t know what I would do without him. I am trying to be brave for him as well as for my family. I am trying not to complain or constantly talk about my illness. But sometimes it’s really difficult. I’ve learned that it’s okay to have these feelings, these outbursts, or these neurotic and negative thoughts. The trick is to have them, accept that they are there, and then to let them go. The ‘letting go’ part is hard to master. Like with anything, practice helps. Whether I worry about what the cause of this back pain is or not, it will not change the results. Unfortunately, as with all things cancer-related, I have no control over my DNA, my cells, or my body, but I can try to control my thoughts. So, I will continue to work my way towards this goal of letting negative emotions go. In the meantime though, I am going to go for a walk and stretch out my back. Love, health, and being pain-free! xo